Opening up. Voicing deep scars.

My first post. There is a want, rather a need to explain the origin story of who and what I am today. But did I have the balls for such introspect? One that truly allows you to make any real sense out if all? I want to free myself of these mental and emotional chains.

In life, I was happy. Motivated. Hungry for more; life, love, passion. Looking back I realise I was hungry for these experiences and feelings in their basic and shallow forms. I was young.

2010: Having been hurt deeply with heart break once before, with a love so deep and passionate it shook me to my core, could I really have found love again? 

2013. I took her on an amazing trip. I proposed on her birthday, bended knee, lit up waterfalls, a beautiful diamond ring. It was a love marriage arranged and agreed to by our parents but I wanted her to have a beautiful memory of the proposal I gave her.

2013 + 1 day: I just spoke to you yesterday, you joked that my fiancee should not have said yes so easily! I told you I loved you, and couldn’t wait to come back home with her, I’m a bit of a workaholic like you.

You apologised for sending me on this trip to look after mum as she had to have surgery AGAIN for her breast cancer. It was your duty, not mine. The doctors missed something. Since you returned home you weren’t feeling the best from her first one. She’s fine now, I did what you asked. 

Dad, I never got to speak to you again. I never understood why in movies they blur out sound and someone goes in to some sort of shell shock upon receiving bad news, the world implodes in your mind and you lose all sense. The grenade in my heart is devastating. This couldn’t be real. I was sent pictures of you, you looked like you fell asleep on the sofa. Peaceful. Half a whisky left unfinished. 

My mum is shattered. My fiancee is a mess. Keep it together. Reschedule flights. Logistic the shit out of everything. Who knew this would be the last time for a very long time that I would keep it together. Seeing you at the morgue. The shattered pieces of my heart all reshatter in to smaller pieces. Carrying your body in to your grave (as is Muslim tradition) with my almost estranged older brother, something else was also left there with you. I need you still. This pain is unfathomable. But alas, I’m expected to hold everything together. Bury the feelings. Be strong.

2014/2015. We are married. I feel happy. I’ve managed to stay busy. Take over all family businesses. Put out fires. Africa will eat you alive if you’re not on your game. But now the dust has settled. My inner lion can rest for a while. You never dealt with any real feelings. They manifest now in to pain and eat you alive from the inside. Que downward spiral. Party. Alcohol. Drugs. Weight gain. Unhappiness. Dare I use the word depression. I pushed my wife away. Everyone away. I was alone in this hole. I saved everyone and everything except myself.

I need more fuel to dig deeper, “this hole isn’t deep enough” life said to me. My dad’s brother, my eldest and head of the family, uncle passed a month exactly after dad. Dig deeper. Months later my (first cousin) sister who I grew up with passed away while pregnant. I swear we were just at your wedding. How then? Fall deeper. Dig that hole deeper. Your best friends whom you introduced to each other and got married have a baby daughter. A glimmer of light shines in to my hole. Your facade is strong! They name me god father, deep down this scares the crap out of me when I can’t even look after myself right now. This child warms my heart. Then her mother dies, a friend and sister who was a pillar of support during these tough times. Dig deeper. I think I’m at 6 feet under now. Where are the nails to your coffin? They’re in the bag labelled  “cheating wife wants a divorce”.

2016. Divorced. But something happened in all the madness. Something small inside me turned back on. Fear of failure and death? Courage to get up? Resilience from experience knowing you’ve gone through a lot of loss and hardship and even death around you before? Climbing out of the hole for the right reasons? I want to be better. I will be better. I am the strongest person i know. Ill never let anything keep me down. 

Life has given me a blank canvas. Rebirth by fire. I ask myself, now what?

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