So as I share and catalogue my travels and eventually get around to deeper and or meaningful thoughts and encounters, there’s just so much happening in the present that I want to put out there. Blogging is therapeutic. Doing so anonymously even more..
Van City girl (she knows me well post) is coming back to my city (where she’s originally from), half because she says she needs to see me and also attend an event that’s happening. I was informed I would need to make a trip to the airport and that she would stay with me, around the same time my mom would be staying with me. Time to play house?
Emotional nuclear bomb dropped. Scared. Trust issues. Commitment anxiety. Not nearly on same page she is.
It’s been a year and a half since my divorce. I’ve been having fun. Never disrespected or lied to any woman about where I am in my life or what I needed. Sometimes two people just want to have fun.
Here I am, scared, no… terrified to trust a woman with my heart, but im ready to begin opening up. Small steps. Casual dating. Maybe a girlfriend or two, the third and fourth in my life (I married my second…) Someone consistent in my ridiculous lifestyle. And of course 2 beautiful, smart women are interested and each friendship just recently presented themselves like the mushroom in the Super Mario games. Level up?
Consequences of coincidence in timing? Van City girl is feeling broken, her words when I push her away. Why shouldn’t she? We’ve confessed our love to each other. But did she heed my concerns about distance and the need to date and not being on the same page in life? I tried to be MORE than honest when possible to manage expectations. I still feel like a dick. I really do love her.
But I’m not ready for her. My toxicity will corrupt her beauty and extinguish all that love she has. She will survive the scar of me and love again, I wish that for her. The world doesn’t need another me.