Where do I begin? Should I even? The topic of healthy living and working out and clean eating has been exhausted. But I wish I read more about the actual struggle between that and those like me who know or are known by practically everyone when you go out. Party like a rockstar indeed.
Socialite? Social butterfly. Player. Funny guy. Shot king. None of these fucking labels are anything but skin deep descriptions for someone who thinks they know you. I just want to walk in to a bar and meet who I’m supposed to without the frustration of multiple greetings and a repetitive 30 seconds of the same small talk.
Kickboxing. Jiu jutsu. MMA. A new commitment to weight lifting with a mentor and friend who keeps the motivation peaking. All great combat sports and hobbies I continually love and grow to enjoy each session. I’m truly happy in these moments. But they’re fleeting.
Then Thursday night comes along and the boys are calling and now you’re drinking. Vaping. Maybe a toke of a friends cig cause you “don’t smoke” anymore. And the substances come out to play, the ante is always more fun when it’s upped. Next thing you know it’s Sunday evening, maybe a one night stand… weekend wasted… again..
Will I be forgotten? Missed? Did being known and greeted and respected actually matter? Fuck your ego, the BJJ should be beating it out of you. Need more mat time.
Can I stay home and read and watch tv and sleep early and be happy? I love my home. I hate being alone in it. So how do I meet women to spend short, sweet time with before I reject them and don’t let them in to my life?
It’s a vicious cycle. I’m not looking for the one right now. I don’t want to be alone. Or maybe I feel the need to connect and reject to feel better about what happened to me while numbing darkness and pain buried deep within. Only time will tell. The struggle is real.