It’s 2am. If I went to bed right now it would be an early night. I’m not doing anything important. Drowning thoughts with the tv on, surfing the net and social media, realising I don’t really care for any of it.
Thoughts of tomorrow are fleeting, I’m looking for a reason to wake up earlier than the late morning or the afternoon, looking for purpose. What is my purpose? The better version of myself, the light, with the small voice in my head says go to work, your businesses need more than remote control attention and management. Start a morning routine, become what you know you can be.
All the progress in the gym and training jiu jutsu last week is also a blur. It somehow has lost its importance to me when I got fucked up over the weekend. After a 4 hour meeting Friday evening I went out and got home around 6am. Saturday afternoon I awoke to the reminder of a friends beach house party, and the bender continued. I got to sleep at 8am, and without eating this day/night. Wtf?! moment waking up and realising this. This darkness consumes me every week..
How do I stop this destructive behaviour? I hit the gym and train generally 5 to 6 times a week, eat healthy enough, make sure work is squared away… but the weekend rolls around and the booze and a few lines inevitably happen each night, life of the party! And then its time to deal with EPIC hangovers and question the rest of the week while sweating out the toxins whether I can stop myself from doing it all over again. Its been a losing battle the last six months.
Its FOMO. Fear of missing out. What am I missing out on though? Is my outer confidence a sham? Is my self esteem built on being relevant? Relevant to who? A nocturnal social circle? What are they really enrichening or contributing to my life? Or am I just giving too much of myself away because I don’t value me enough? I’m worth it. I’m worth your time and friendship, all the people and love I lost in my life were not because I’m not worth it or good enough. Is it?
Its a perpetual circle of self destructive validation and numbing. At least im recognising this. And the girl I’m dating is amazing, I care for her deeply but just don’t love her or see myself loving her and the feelings have plateued, she’s not enough for me to take a step back from this crazy lifestyle, I wish she was. Another person who loves me that I’m going to have to hurt and let go or make let go of me. How do I bring myself to do this?!
I’m tired of walking parallel to a good life. Telling myself it’s just a phase that’s happening late in life. I have everything I need to do it. Enough work, a healthy routine, books to occupy and amaze my sense of wonder, entertain, challenge and educate me, enough close friends to have fun once in a while without all the extra shit to hype me to the next level. Love and romance will enter my life again when I’m ready, I believe.
I’m looking for the reason that gets me back on the right track again. I fear it may take me too long and it will be too late. Only life will tell. These words will be my tragic spiral or my slow rise into an awesome human being for the right reasons. At least im betting on the latter..
Photo credit; Pinterest.